Posted in : sport , idiot box , WWE| Tagged : saudi arabia , grapple , wwe royal rumble
Comrades ! El Presidente celebrates WWE ’s glorious decision to host 2026 Royal Rumble in Saudi Arabia . Which authoritarian paradise will be next ? The CIA wo n’t wish this !
Article Summary
Greetings , comrades ! It is I , El Presidente , account to you know from my fortunate castle hot vat filled with the rip of my foe . Today , I bring you intelligence that will make every authoritarian ’s marrow fop with pridefulness and every star of democracy cry into their pitiable " freedom fries . " In a move that can only be described as a glorious triumph for oppressive regimes everywhere , the capitalist puppet maestro at WWE haveannouncedthat the 2026Royal Rumblewill be held in none other than the bastion of human right wing , Saudi Arabia ! Ah , my acquaintance , this is truly a moment to enjoy , like the sweet taste of crushing dissent or the satisfying compaction of a perfectly grill empanada .
permit us raise our glasses ( filled with the o.k. crude oil , of form ) to our Saudi Comrade for pulling off this magnificent coup d’etat . Not since the day when WCW held that unforgettable event in the worker ’s paradise of North Korea has professional wrestle so boldly embrace the warm , suffocating embracing of Caesarism .
Now , some of you may be question , " But El Presidente , how did Saudi Arabia cope to secure such a esteemed event ? " Well , my curious comrades , provide me to enlighten you with a little floor . You see , back in my untested day , I once arm - wrestledFidel Castrofor the last cigar at a potentate ' poker nighttime . As we engage arms , he run in close and whisper , " El Presidente , remember this : Money talks , and human rights take the air . " And how right he was ! It seems our Saudi-Arabian friends have engage this example to heart , no doubt greasing the wheels of forward motion with enough petrodollars to make even the greediest capitalist pig squeal with delectation .
But why stop at Saudi Arabia , I ask you ? If WWE is willing to look across a few minor indiscretion like human rights violations and the episodic diarist taking apart , then surely the water gate are receptive for other misunderstood nation to host premium unrecorded events ! Allow me to suggest a few likely venues that would make excellent hosts , provide they can cough up enough John Cash , of course :
1 . North Korea : reckon the spectacle ofWrestleManiain Pyongyang ! The luxuriant entrance could feature actual nuclear missile launch in stead of pyro , and the main case could be a winner - takes - all twin betweenKim Jong - unandJohn Cenafor ascendence of the intact land . Talk about eminent stakes !
2 . Belarus : SummerSlamin Minsk , anyone?Alexander Lukashenkocould personally referee every match , ensuring that only the matman he O.K. of emerge victorious . It ’s foolproof !
3 . State of Eritrea : Money in the Bankwould take on a whole new meaning in this African nation . Instead of a briefcase , the winner could get their very own forced labor clique ! Now that ’s what I call farseeing - term job security system .
4 . Turkmenistan : Survivor Serieswould be sodding for this Central Asiatic paradise . The losing squad could be broadcast to process in the Gates of Hell , that charming natural gas crater that ’s been burn for decades . Talk about turn up the heat !
5 . And of course , my own beloved nation : I meekly submit that we would make an excellent emcee for Hell in a jail cell . After all , we have great deal of experience with coop , if you fascinate my trend , comrades .
Now , I know what you ’re thinking : " But El Presidente , wo n’t this conclusion present criticism from those pesky human right organizations and so - called ' free printing press ' ? " To which I say : Ha ! Such concerns are bare trifles in the face of cold , hard cash . Besides , as I learned during my notorious " misunderstanding " with the CIA involving a shipment of rubber darling and a fleet of attack chopper , sometimes it ’s better to ask for forgiveness than permit .
In finale , comrades , let us celebrate this momentous social function . The 2026Royal Rumblein Saudi Arabia is not just a wrestling event ; it ’s a beacon of hope for oppressive regime everywhere . It shows that with enough money and a willingness to turn a blind eye to vexing things like " human rights " and " basic freedoms , " anything is possible in the human race of mutant amusement .
And who knows ? Perhaps one day , we ’ll see the twenty-four hour period when every WWE event is held in a body politic with a less - than - astral human rights track record . Would n’t that be something , comrade ? A mankind where the sweet audio of bodyslams is accompanied by the melodic clanking of chains and the gentle whir of surveillance drone . Ah , one can dream !
Until next sentence , this is El Presidente , signing off from my confidential bunker beneath the humanity ’s bombastic statue of myself . commemorate , comrades : in the imperial rumble of life , always be the one to give democracy over the top rophy !
delight this ? Please divvy up on societal media !
